Modest Mango

Location: 131-147 Quay Street, Auckland

Peer pressure, it’s a horrible thing.

Craic: Apparently there’s an ‘ice bar’ in London too. I imagine every night there is also an asian family paying the barman to take photos of them do shots through a jeroboam shaped ice sculpture. In Auckland this ice phallus rests on the bar (did I mention it’s made of ice?) angled downwards with a liquor conduit right down the centre, much like a urethra. The barman then pours down a shot of Absolut vodka while the recipient waits, mouth open, at the meatus. A miserable member of staff gets to capture this moment on a cheap digital camera for each member of the family.

In Minus5 everything is made out of ice. Even the glasses were made out of ice, which was cool. Jesus… That wasn’t even supposed to be a pun. It reminds me though, all the drinks had ice-themed names. I sprung for a ‘Vanilla Ice’. They didn’t play the song. Right… I think I have exhausted that part of the evening. What else… Two other tourists came into the ice bar during our one hour arctic extravaganza. Two German girls. One moderately attractive. One not. They had their cocktail, played one game of ice air hockey then left. When our group decided it had thoroughly explored all corners of this 8m x 8m freezer compartment and left I found the hot German was sitting outside having a smoke. ‘Why the hell did I just pay for that. It was exactly what I expected and still I went in.’ That’s what she was thinking I bet. That’s probably what every westerner thinks when they come out of Minus5… I was broken out of my leering trance by the gaggle of asian Kiwi tourists exiting the ice bar. They loved it. They were already reminiscing.

I have a comparison for this experience. In Hong Kong I wanted a t-shirt with Asian writing/characters but all sloganed merchandise in HK instead has imprinted on it a poorly constructed sentence in English. (Presumably Asian characters on all those t-shirts in the UK with ‘Osaka 6′ have similarly poor grammar. Either that or they say ‘I’m a western knobhead’ – I hope it’s the latter.)  My point is Hong Kong was rubbish when it tried to be western. That’s why I shouldn’t have tried to do western things. ‘You feel me?’ Just like in Hong Kong, when Kiwis try to do western things they are also rubbish. So, I plan not to indulge in a single other European/North American vice while I’m here in NZ. I just regret it afterwards. Plus, there’s easily enough cool natural shit to keep me entertained instead. I’m in New Zealand after all. Kia ora!

Price: $30 NZ to get in, which includes your first cocktail; all subsequent drinks $12.

Website: http://www.minus5experience.com/

Burr: -5

∼MJ out.

New Zealand is pretty cool…

∼MJ out.

I have never wanted to sound like Alexander Chancellor but, at the risk of sounding curmudgeonly, I really, really hate coffee culture. I love coffee but I hate coffee people.

Maybe it’s because everybody is really buzzed about the series finale of FRIENDS airing next Wednesday night but Auckland is really obsessed with coffee. It’s a ‘coffee town’. Like Seattle. Which is good. I like Seattle. And I like coffee as much as the next guy. But when everybody is so fucking au fait with coffee types and I know jack shit I start to run into problems. Like today, my consultant asks me, ‘Do you want a coffee?’

‘Sure, just a regular black coffee.’

‘As in a short black?’

‘Sure, a short black coffee.’

‘So an espresso?’

‘No espresso, just a regular black coffee.’

‘But short? Okay…’

‘Yeah.’

Granted I got an espresso twenty minutes later.

There’s something wrong with food or drink when its nomenclature becomes so goddamn byzantine that the words you are speaking are no longer intelligible. Breaking it down, I see where I went wrong. I should have said americano.

‘Regular americano. Black.’ Boom. Done.

But I didn’t. Karl Pilkington thinks there are too many words in the English language. I would be more likely to disagree with him if this was the only time this had happened to me. But it’s not, it’s like the third or maybe fourth time it’s happened to me. And one of those times I think I did ask for an americano. And one time I asked for a filter coffee. For none of these occasions have I gotten a regular black coffee in return. Come to think of it I’m pretty sure the right answer is ‘long black’. But then that just sounds like it’s going to be massive… I don’t want a gargantuan coffee. I just want a regular black coffee.

I guess I’ll try again tomorrow…

∼MJ out.

Location: 128a Ponsonby Road, Auckland

Food: Hell Pizza, Burger Fuel, Murder Burger… New Zealand seems really keen on names that are tough and manly. Also, like many New Zealander references, I just don’t get a lot their stuff. Like the cat/kitten logo. Is it ironic? Is it like a devil cat? Is the cat a murderer? Do they use cat meat? Maybe it’s because The Shining just came out last year in New Zealand so demon children and the like are really in vogue. Beyond that I can’t think of any other reasons.

I wonder how English Glen would fare in this country. Or P! for that matter. I mean, at least there’s the internet but other than that it’s like popular culture doesn’t exist. People wear regular clothes, rarely with any references or logos. I don’t know if they go to the movies. TV is very non-descript. Maybe it’s a healthier way to live, leading a life based more on personal experience than superficial impressions from media… Whatever, I think I’d get cabin fever if I was born here.

All the more surprising then that they have so much great food. Or maybe not. Maybe the Kiwis are less amenable to any form of westernised franchisement be it clothing, media or food. Come to think of it, I haven’t even seen a lot of helvetica on the streets… Regardless of why it exists the fact remains that Murder Burger would be an institution in Manchester. There would be a permanent queue outside and it would adopt a reputation like that of The Sphinx in Belfast town. Scousers would begrudgingly come to Lancashire for venison burgers and fish patties. Its quality would be wasted on the miscreants that splurge out of Tiger Tiger every Saturday night onto the wet Manc pavement but still… it would be great nonetheless. It would be epic. Sadly though we are left with pubs, chippies and chain franchises for our burgers.

Question then: Where to go for a great burger in Glasgow or your current home-town?

Price: $13 for a Jalapeno Burger & Fries

Website: http://www.murderburger.co.nz/

Burr: 3

∼MJ out.

I think it is lifestyles like today that made us conquer places like North America and New Zealand. Why the hell we didn’t then just move to these places is beyond me. But whatever, it’s too late now.

After chilling out with the kids in Starship this morning I knocked off early to revel in the balmy afternoon, enjoy the walk home and partake in some Auckland cafe culture – i.e. buy a big ass scone with dates in it. There were a number of things that happened after that but essentially I ended up in the ‘hub’ of Auckland with the English contingent. Two jars later and it was late night Burr style pizza – i.e. New York style. After three slices of New York style pizza the Kiwis had to close up. First though they had to give us a free 18 inch New York style pizza. Cheese with extra cheese. It was a Kevin McCallister moment.

∼MJ out.