Modest Mango

So this was a pretty good cake it must be said. I did not make it by the way. I don’t think I could ever make something this epic.

If he smokes, he’s got cancer.

If he came back from Spain, he’s got legionella.

If she’s old and combs her hair, she’s got temporal arteritis.

If he’s a student and has flatmates, he’s got meningitis.

If he came from Africa, he’s got AIDS.

If she’s in church, she’s had vasovagal syncope.

If he’s Chinese, he’s got nasopharyngeal cancer.

If she’s a teenage girl, she’s pregnant.

Location: South Quay, Padstow, Cornwall

Food: Well. Slapped. Fish. I can only assume that is why Stein’s Fish & Chips is one of the best chippies I have ever been too. Disregarding the quaint, bonnie setting, Stein’s is a really nice chip shop. It doesn’t smell at all of grease or sweat; it’s spotless; it’s unpretentious with all the regular condiments you expect and need; you can get a good pot of tea; it offers up a choice beyond scrod or haddock.

The price? Ostensibly expensive but in truth Steiny and Chalky did not let me down. I got two gargantuan fillets of battered plaice perfectly cooked and heaped with a fucking Jesus portion of chips. Bit of bread and butter. Bit of tartare sauce. A wee boite of mushy peas. A pot of tea. Boom. It was all gone. As voracious as Dean Moiarty I devoured it all. I ravished my flat fish like Rick ravishes a mackerel, except without all the kinky slapping.

All this for just over £13. As Burrows would say, ‘Belter.’

Price: Cod £9; plaice & lemon sole up to £11; £3 for a pint of Chalky’s Bark (a surprisingly great pint of lager).

Website: http://www.rickstein.com/Steins-Fish-and-Chips.html

Burr: 6*

*Competing interests: (1) fish & chips may be the best meal in the world; (2) Anstruther is still better.