Modest Mango

Fact: When the members of mm get together we will inevitably end up talking about taking dumps. This is why we have an entire category dedicated to it on this blog. You may think that I am making this up for a cheap laugh, and you may think that the subject of taking dumps is far too limited to be able to be revisited in conversation with such startling regularity. Well, if you do think these things, then on both accounts you are wrong.

Actually, you are also wrong on a third account, since I intend for this not to be for a cheap laugh, but for many cheap laughs to be had starting from now. Here’s the deal, every time we talk about taking dumps, I’m going to post the details of our discussion on the blog.

This serves several purposes. It provides the possibility of cheap laughs, as mentioned; it provides for us a quantitative way of measuring the regularity in which we bring up the subject; and finally, it provides content.

[ Big chunks of text put people off reading, so here's a funny picture of Thomas. ]

Let’s start with yesterday. Yesterday, Porter talked about a drunk guy on a train he was on who had locked himself in a toilet. Apparently, a security guard who was supposed to get the drunk guy out told him to “make sure [his] bits weren’t showing” before opening the door. (It was definitely funnier when he told us it yesterday.)

Discussion continued when I chipped in that a surprising number of people die whilst on the toilet and how horrible it would be for the paramedic who would eventually find the dead person. Chris added that you would hope the person had already wiped. Although now that I’ve had time to think about it, the person would almost always be mid-valsalva manoeuvre on dying, and therefore pre-wipe.

Jenny Bond is still annoying even if she’s just narrating and not actually on screen.

No Corrigan or Mark Hix?! At least there’s still Sat Bains.

“Modern British cooking” reminds me of Lego.

“Modern British cooking” has an obsession for foam.

Meat cooked in two different ways is better than meat cooked in one way only.

Three desserts are better than one.

Pork belly is amazing.

Heston Blumenthal* should have gone to Specsavers.

Or maybe he’s just constantly playing squash.

There’s no way Matthew Fort could sound any more pretentious.

Although I’m sure he means well.

If Matthew Fort were to describe modestmango.com, he would say that it was classic British cooking with a modern twist.

~ fin.


You can see Great British Menu most weekdays at 6.30pm on BBC Two.

* OBE (srsly?!)

When Nigella started cooking “the express way” it was bad enough. It was just about acceptable, since the programme wasn’t actually about cooking, to be honest. Especially for Burr.

But when Delia starts doing the same, now I’m allowed to worry. I’m really wondering whether the whole reinvention of her show was any of her doing at all because it’s really not her style. There definitely is something wrong when the queen of old-school British cooking spends an entire episode talking about how fantastic cooking with canned meat is. Sure, it was M&S canned meat but it’s still canned meat.

And why do modern cookery shows seem to think we care enough about the personal lives of the TV chef in question, that they would justify taking ten minutes out of each episode to show us that they enjoy going to church, etc, etc? Who cares?

I’m looking forward to next week when Delia will show the nation how to cook a Fray Bentos.


You can see Delia every Monday at 8.30pm on BBC Two.

From modestmango.com, it’s This Glaswegian Life. I’m Philip Chan. Our story today, which is in four acts, has a theme and that theme is my 21st birthday.

Act 1: Of Barbecues and Manliness,
Act 2: The Presents,
Act 3: Waking Private Colin,
Act 4: The Greatest.

Act 1: Of Barbecues and Manliness

Who’d have thought that in a country with such ridiculously good weather all year round, there would actually be a time when disposable barbecues are out of season? It certainly was not welcome news to find out the day before the proposed birthday barbecue. But it wouldn’t matter, as Lieutenant Colin with his OTC training would build a barbecue with his manly bare hands. He worked out that essentially, all we needed was a big container, a grill, charcoal, firelighters, wood, and a whole load of mantosterone.

When Sunday came, it was apparent that since disposable barbecues were out of season, charcoal would be out of season too. 10kg of housecoal for £3.49 would just have to do. Commander Colin quickly fashioned a barbecue out of the raw materials; and after literally going into the woods to get firewood, managed to make a working barbecue.

Eventually the cavalry arrived with disposables that had been located in Woolworths, and the men chowed down on some meat. I should add that bar one, literally no girls turned up to the barbecue.

Oh yeah, and the police paid a visit too. But it was a complete non-event and not worth mentioning at all.

Act 2: The Presents

This is literally the most presents I have ever got for my birthday. Fact. I don’t normally get any at all. And so, in no particular order:

1. A green hoodie.
2. A pair of kilt socks.
3. Two aprons.
4. A bubble watch. (Literally, you blow bubbles with it.)
5. A Dali.
6. Star Wars Lego.
7. A packet of Haribo.
8. A tub of mini Oreos.
9. A 1.5m audio RCA (M) to RCA (F) cable.
10. A bottle of champagne.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Act 3: Waking Private Colin

Part 1

Part 2

Act 4: The Greatest

We were walking up Byres Road at 4am post-party when all of a sudden we found ourselves being followed by a red mini-van. We made the usual jokes about it being scary, etc, etc. Then the van drove on and everything was normal.

Two minutes later, the van was back. And not only was it back, it approached us from the same direction as it did before. Clearly it was following us, especially since it had now slowed down to walking speed right beside us. It was pretty damn scary.


What was going to happen?


The door slid open and the fifteen or so people inside started shouting at us…

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PHIL!!!”

The frisbee team had just returned from London and by pure coincidence had bumped into me at 4 in the morning, just in time to wish me a slightly belated happy birthday in the most glorious fashion possible.

That was probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and has more or less made my year.

Thanks for being a part of my twenty-one years thus far, everyone. It’s been a pleasure.

The chances are you didn’t even notice mm exceeding it’s bandwidth and becoming inaccessible via the internets. Indeed, a problem so great in magnitude that it warranted a change in my Facebook status pertaining to said problem.

And the reason you didn’t notice? The same reason this blog is able to exist at all: Pete. The hosting for this blog (and Save Point before it) has been so kindly donated to us by him and for this we are eternally grateful.

So Pete, thanks for the hosting, thanks for responding to our SOS so quickly, thanks for being a legend.