Category: TV, Movies & Media

I just really wanted to make a post about Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

Posted by Philip on March 31st, 2011 — 2:04am

For a good ten minutes today, I genuinely thought to myself how great it would be if I was a woman since that would increase my chances of marrying HFW. For some reason, Channel 4 has removed my two go-to shows for dinner time 4od viewing – BBT and HIMYM (man, I’m really feeling those cuts now). I have since been methodically watching through the current season of River Cottage. I love the way HFW thinks almost as much as I love the way he pronounces certain words, like "lemon".

I’m insanely jealous that Johnston has actually been to the canteen and I also have a massive craving for a sausage stew (it’s 2 in the morning right now). Like me, you may also be wondering what the logical conclusion of this post is, and it is probably this picture:

3 comments » | TV, Movies & Media

A rare post about why a specific TV series sucks.

Posted by Philip on January 12th, 2011 — 11:19pm


There are so many reasons why this series is awful but most of it can be summed up by one screen capture. Here is some context. In this episode the alien commander ordered the mothership floating above Shanghai to take off and so what would any self respecting TV show do? Obviously, cut to a ten second scene of "Shanghai", i.e. this:

Yes. It’s a small Chinese boy in a school uniform, sitting in an imperial-era Chinese building, eating plain rice with chopsticks and a bowl, with his schoolbag and homework open beside him.

The only reason I’m pissed off, of course, is at the inauthenticity of the scenario. Where is the violin? Why is he not practising kung-fu? Let’s not even get to how he’s not wearing glasses.


4 comments » | TV, Movies & Media

The time when Phil watched The Karate Kid by himself in a cinema in New Zealand and the lessons learned therein

Posted by Philip on August 7th, 2010 — 9:00am

Act 1 – Adventures In Solitude

I can’t imagine that there are many people who can say that they’ve been to the cinema by themselves. Sure, people have been to the cinema by themselves but they’ve never been to the cinema by themselves. Themselves as in nobody else was in the cinema with them, completely alone. An audience of one.

When a delightfully cliched freeze-frame cued the end of the delightfully cliched feature I was already set to go, determined to avoid eye contact with the two-girl clean-up crew waiting outside. They were each wielding one of those pooper-scooper things, wielding, as they would soon find out, in vain. I wasn’t embarrassed about being by myself and I wasn’t embarrassed about watching The Karate Kid. I was embarrassed about being seen to choose to watch The Karate Kid by myself. It seemed in this case the embarrassment was greater than the sum of its parts.

In retrospect I am a tad perplexed as to why I felt embarrassment at all, for one of the better things I’ve discovered about being in an alien city all by yourself is the absolute anonymity that it provides. Indeed, just yesterday I tripped like a champion on a set of stairs in public and who was around to witness it? Just a handful of Kiwis. Who cares about them anyway?


Act 2 – These Are The Fables

The 2010 re-imagining of The Karate Kid serves six main purposes:

  1. To perpetuate the myth that all Chinese people know kung fu.
  2. To perpetuate the myth that all Chinese children are virtuoso pianists and/or violinists.
  3. To perpetuate the myth that contemporary Chinese people live in 19th Century houses and wear 19th century clothes.
  4. To demonstrate that the only thing more awkward than watching pre-pubescent teenagers beat the living crap out of each other is watching them have romantic relationships.
  5. To act as a feature-length advertisement for China.
  6. To prove that Will Smith is trying to turn his son into the next Will Smith by teaching him how to act exactly like Will Smith.

Comment » | Travel, TV, Movies & Media

Mancunian Fever #11: Sex

Posted by Michael on April 11th, 2010 — 10:50pm

Let’s talk about the Doctor’s assistant. ‘Johnny Baillie got an assistant?!’ I hear you say? No no no. The Doctor! What to say… Where to start…

Smut alert.

I live in Manchester. It’s a world away from anywhere else, mostly because the people sound, and are, so fucking stupid. (Or as the Noel Gallagher might say, ‘Half the world away’. Yeah?) So, sex. What about it? Salford’s smartest expat, Karl Pilkington said it was ‘just something to do.’ But if in Salford sex is just something to engage in after a few bottles of White Lightning, it is a whole other concept elsewhere. Sex sells.

Take the third best show on TV at the moment – Single, Together, Whatever on BBC Switch. Hunter S Thompson described Bill Clinton as a ‘congenitally lewd man who is evil in a way that is charming’. Single, Together, Whatever is similarly immoral, but similarly charming, in concept.

I forget what lecherous assholes most teenage boys are and what fucking spiteful morons teenage girls are. Still I can’t get enough of it. The sex that is.

If you are one of our many international readers you might be wondering what Phil, Porter, Johnston et al are really like. The truth? We love anything remotely lascivious. And this isn’t a new thing. Back in the days of the 71 Malone or 70 Ladybrook I bet Phil was just dying to be lewd. Jesus, I mean, I wanted to have obscene salacious conversations about girls and stuff. Only for the fact I was more of a Charlie Kelly than a Dennis Reynolds I would have.

Porter, Thomas, JG… We all have a similar zeal for sordid topics. Back in school little did we know Thomas was experimenting with body chocolate. I mean, for some reason I wrote ‘I shot George Harrison’ on my schoolbag, but jesus… Body chocolate!

And don’t scoff, CD. This stuff is going to determine the fate of our country.

(Fuck. Mickelson just birdied again. I write this as he bounds towards another green jacket, a story that will offer some respite in the sordid saga that is Tiger Woods and his infidelity.)

All this brings us back to the second best show on TV at the moment and the newest Doctor. Great. So good. I’m still laughing at that line, ‘Yeah, it’s cool. Bowties are cool.’ But how did I hear that line? Why was I even watching Doctor Who? I have not watched Doctor Who in about two years – and the last Doctor was frickin’ great. But do you know what else is frickin’ great? Karen Gillan. A fact shown by a recent study:

Picture 1
So, I suppose that’s all the proof we need. The Doctor is back. And so are the features.

4 comments » | General, NFL, Politics, Sport, TV, Movies & Media

Mancunian Fever – Episode 10

Posted by Michael on March 23rd, 2010 — 6:06pm

Courtesy of a magazine from a mental health clinic somewhere in Salford…


2 comments » | TV, Movies & Media

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