Category: Taking Dumps


ATTENTION MANGOERS

Posted by Michael on March 24th, 2009 — 11:11pm

Be sure to tune in for The Apprentice tomorrow night. Burr will no doubt know, but for those of us not in Northern Ireland at the moment it may have passed us by that former Inchmarlo and Inst pupil, Ben Clarke, is one of the candidates. As a “trainee stockbroker” who has been working in Newcastle-Upon-Fucking-Tyne he will clearly have some game. (ROFLZ)

To me making money is better than sex.

1 comment » | Taking Dumps, TV, Movies & Media

The NHS Consultant One Handed One Fingered Technique

Posted by Michael on January 13th, 2009 — 9:41pm

What is the NHS Consultant One Handed One Fingered Technique? Obviously there is the one finger technique when it comes to having a feel up someone’s rectum but this isn’t merely restricted to consultants. NHS employees of all ages can enjoy jamming an indice up that particular route. Also, ‘technique’ suggests there may be some alternative approach to PR exams.

Nope, this is something else. It’s typing. Consultant doctors are the worst fucking typers I have ever seen. I mean, I’ve seen old people type before – how they frantically scan the keyboard for the next letter and how agonizing the slow, deliberate correction is of any spelling error. But consultants?!

I’m not being ageist when I claim this because it is not just old geezers, quite a lot of bushier tailed consultants are amongst the R-tards. Neither am I being facetious, I reckon if this were phased out of modern medical practice consultation times could be shortened by… five minutes a patient? That’s maybe 45 minutes a morning per consultant. In one hospital that’s maybe 50 hours of salary for numerous clinics requiring consultants, nurses, receptionists, also with the bonus of freeing up junior doctors, healthcare assistants, porters… Most importantly it would reduce waiting times for patients (because they’re ones who really matter – LOL!) and save you, the taxpayer, hard earned money!

So there you are. Wee political tip for you, Thomas. I reckon it’s a winner.

Aim High, Vote Lowe

2 comments » | Politics, Taking Dumps

Vomit on CD

Posted by Michael on October 31st, 2008 — 11:30pm

Guess what! The new single by The Hours, Have You Seen The Light, has a video of Sienna Miller. If you don’t know The Hours, neither do I really. They’re not the villains. They’re pretty inoffensive really. I’m not going to judge. As for the Sienna of our video though, apparently she has trouble getting stuck in glass cages. Naturally she gets an MR scan, I assume to check she’s not mental.

Apparently Damien Hirst provided the “artistic direction” for the video, thus the bovine theme. Has he done that before? Ah well, got to give the douche credit, at least it wasn’t sharks. (Now that really would be mental!)

The dramatic overtones obviously add to the video. I bet they’re even better al disco. Even better than that, if you buy the compact disc you get a Calivin Harris remix as the B-side!

It’s like someone has actively sought out everything I detest (minus Keira Knightley) and made it instantly available in a convenient mp3 format.

Sienna Miller though… Wid. (Same goes for Keira Knightley.)

1 comment » | Taking Dumps

Taking Dumps #2: Sweetcorn Fritters

Posted by Philip on July 25th, 2008 — 4:28pm

I had always assumed that everyone produced sweetcorn fritters after eating sweetcorn the day before. However Thomas is unsure of this. He believes that some people have the ability to digest sweetcorn while others don’t. I then asked him whether that meant that he had personally never produced a fritter before and it turns out he hasn’t because he doesn’t like sweetcorn!

2008 candidate, Thomas Lowe does not eat sweetcorn. You heard it here first!

Comment » | Taking Dumps

Taking Dumps #1: Valsalva Manoeuvre

Posted by Philip on March 29th, 2008 — 2:07am

Fact: When the members of mm get together we will inevitably end up talking about taking dumps. This is why we have an entire category dedicated to it on this blog. You may think that I am making this up for a cheap laugh, and you may think that the subject of taking dumps is far too limited to be able to be revisited in conversation with such startling regularity. Well, if you do think these things, then on both accounts you are wrong.

Actually, you are also wrong on a third account, since I intend for this not to be for a cheap laugh, but for many cheap laughs to be had starting from now. Here’s the deal, every time we talk about taking dumps, I’m going to post the details of our discussion on the blog.

This serves several purposes. It provides the possibility of cheap laughs, as mentioned; it provides for us a quantitative way of measuring the regularity in which we bring up the subject; and finally, it provides content.

 17-08-2006 22-23-14

[ Big chunks of text put people off reading, so here’s a funny picture of Thomas. ]

Let’s start with yesterday. Yesterday, Porter talked about a drunk guy on a train he was on who had locked himself in a toilet. Apparently, a security guard who was supposed to get the drunk guy out told him to “make sure [his] bits weren’t showing” before opening the door. (It was definitely funnier when he told us it yesterday.)

Discussion continued when I chipped in that a surprising number of people die whilst on the toilet and how horrible it would be for the paramedic who would eventually find the dead person. Chris added that you would hope the person had already wiped. Although now that I’ve had time to think about it, the person would almost always be mid-valsalva manoeuvre on dying, and therefore pre-wipe.

3 comments » | Taking Dumps

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