Category: Sport

Mancunian Fever #12: England

Posted by Michael on June 23rd, 2010 — 2:02pm

The following blog is written from the relative safety of a household in England.

4.56pm: Well, England performed and did the job. With Terry and Ashley Cole’s moral rectitude we were never going to lose. Rooney is still God. Franks is our rock. Next up…




4.50pm: England look to sky only to see God is an American. USA beat Algeria in the last minute and win the group!



Latvia  0
England  1


4.47pm: The Lithuanians are just eating up the cock.

4.46pm: Throw-in for England. Milner is just eating up the clock. Tense…

4.44pm: One minute left. I have faith.


4.42pm: England corner. Guff cross by Gerrard.

4.37pm: The pace of the game is really beginning to tell on the Croatian team. England have got to capitalise on this. Heskey is coming on… If you haven’t watched Come Dine With Me WAGs Special then watch it tonight. Heskey’s wife? Well fit mate. ‘Av it!

4.34pm: Fancy a brew?

4.31pm: John Terry has been immense today.

4.26pm: Ashley Cole is maybe the worst person in the world… Rooney is going off for Joey Cole. He looked like he took a slight knock. Good idea to rest him. Going to need him for the Brazil game down the line.

4.23pm: John Terry gets his crotch in for a vital block. John Terry’s crotch is legend.

4.20pm: Rule Britannia! Wicked ace tune…

4.17pm: Milner just got fouled about 45 yards out on the right hand side. Freekick from Stevie G, one of the Serbians deflects Rooney’s header out for a corner.

4.13pm: Rooooooney! Owww! Hits the left hand post. Was he offside? The linesman didn’t seem to put his flag up. But then again, he is probably South African. He was no doubt busy selling watches to the crowd.

4.12pm: John Teerrrry! Great save! JT nailed that header! Nailed it like he nailed Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend.

4.09pm: The lads are in perfect harmony. Milner, Defoe, Gerrard, Franky Lamps, Rooney, JT… I have a feeling England’s 24th man had something to do with this metamorphosis.

4.04pm: Freekick to Slovakia… Straight into the safe hands of James. He’s like a quarterback orchestrating his offence from the back of the field James is. Great hair too.

4.03pm: What a goawl!! Rooney! Wait… Offside? You’re a disgrace ref!

4.02pm: Glen Johnson just got violated like Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend on the edge of the box but was yellowed for diving?! You’re a disgrace ref. Come on England!

4.00pm: Defoe! Just misses from Rooney’s second delivery. What a poor punch from Handanovic. (Gotta be impressed I used his name.)

3.59pm: On second thoughts Clegg is probably supporting North Korea. He wants them to have a better nuclear arsenal, why not a better football team? Again, what a fag.

3.56pm: This performance has got to be something to do with Mr Cameron’s rousing call to the nation. I wonder who that douchebag Clegg is supporting? Probably Belgium. What a fag.

3.41pm: Travelled to the Trafford Centre this morning. Spotted: 83 St Georges crosses; 18 lions; 12 England shirts; 1 Scotland shirt.

3.39pm: ‘av it!

3.32pm: Need a snack…


3.26pm: Alistair Bowie’s description of that peach, ‘blinder!’

3.22pm: Defoe… Goooaaal! We’re on the ball! We’re on the ball! We’re on the ball!

3.20pm: JT. Banging Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend, now banging crosses out for corners.

3.16pm: Ooft! Rooney’s just wide with a shot from edge of the penalty area – in Manc speak it just ‘squoze’ past. I swear some moron from Salford said that in Hope hospital yesterday. I literally live in Karl Pilkington’s mind.

3.14pm: Time for another lager.

3.08pm: In-ger-lund! In-ger-lund! In-ger-lund! Na na, na na!

3.04pm: I wonder if Mark Lawrenson is bored yet…

2.56pm: One hundred and fifty Mancs belting out ‘God Save the Queen’ at the Metropolitan on Burton Road. Why aren’t these people at work? Ricky Gervais was right. Mancs take even more sick days than Scousers.

4 comments » | Sport

Mancunian Fever #11: Sex

Posted by Michael on April 11th, 2010 — 10:50pm

Let’s talk about the Doctor’s assistant. ‘Johnny Baillie got an assistant?!’ I hear you say? No no no. The Doctor! What to say… Where to start…

Smut alert.

I live in Manchester. It’s a world away from anywhere else, mostly because the people sound, and are, so fucking stupid. (Or as the Noel Gallagher might say, ‘Half the world away’. Yeah?) So, sex. What about it? Salford’s smartest expat, Karl Pilkington said it was ‘just something to do.’ But if in Salford sex is just something to engage in after a few bottles of White Lightning, it is a whole other concept elsewhere. Sex sells.

Take the third best show on TV at the moment – Single, Together, Whatever on BBC Switch. Hunter S Thompson described Bill Clinton as a ‘congenitally lewd man who is evil in a way that is charming’. Single, Together, Whatever is similarly immoral, but similarly charming, in concept.

I forget what lecherous assholes most teenage boys are and what fucking spiteful morons teenage girls are. Still I can’t get enough of it. The sex that is.

If you are one of our many international readers you might be wondering what Phil, Porter, Johnston et al are really like. The truth? We love anything remotely lascivious. And this isn’t a new thing. Back in the days of the 71 Malone or 70 Ladybrook I bet Phil was just dying to be lewd. Jesus, I mean, I wanted to have obscene salacious conversations about girls and stuff. Only for the fact I was more of a Charlie Kelly than a Dennis Reynolds I would have.

Porter, Thomas, JG… We all have a similar zeal for sordid topics. Back in school little did we know Thomas was experimenting with body chocolate. I mean, for some reason I wrote ‘I shot George Harrison’ on my schoolbag, but jesus… Body chocolate!

And don’t scoff, CD. This stuff is going to determine the fate of our country.

(Fuck. Mickelson just birdied again. I write this as he bounds towards another green jacket, a story that will offer some respite in the sordid saga that is Tiger Woods and his infidelity.)

All this brings us back to the second best show on TV at the moment and the newest Doctor. Great. So good. I’m still laughing at that line, ‘Yeah, it’s cool. Bowties are cool.’ But how did I hear that line? Why was I even watching Doctor Who? I have not watched Doctor Who in about two years – and the last Doctor was frickin’ great. But do you know what else is frickin’ great? Karen Gillan. A fact shown by a recent study:

Picture 1
So, I suppose that’s all the proof we need. The Doctor is back. And so are the features.

4 comments » | General, NFL, Politics, Sport, TV, Movies & Media

Wayne Bridge

Posted by Thomas on February 27th, 2010 — 1:42pm

Wayne Bridge has now pulled out of the England squad for the World Cup. Before Man City thrashed Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, the one-time England left-back refused to shake John Terry’s hand. On account of the fact that Terry had slept with his (ex-) girlfriend.

My question is – could you put personal differences behind you for the good of the national team? Would you put heart before country? Principles before your own career interest? Is Wayne Bridge brave or cowardly?

3 comments » | Sport

What’s in the box?!

Posted by Philip on January 22nd, 2010 — 12:19am

On Wednesday I got a taste of what it’s like to be Chris Porter when the delivery man came and gave me this huge package.

Can you guess what was inside? I’ll give you a few lines to think.




Still thinking…




Yes that’s right, it was an entire squash racquet.

Let me tell you that I am only slightly exaggerating when I say that this racquet looks like it was beamed down to Earth from space. In the future. By aliens. How does it play? Deliciously. So fucking deliciously. Is there anything better in life than getting new shit? I really don’t think there is.

P.S. My left knee very nearly popped out today while playing…. Scary, swollen, sore and semi-crippled are the four S’s of the day.


3 comments » | General, Sport

Observations Regarding Squash Racquet Advertisement

Posted by Philip on January 14th, 2010 — 11:21pm
Today my strings snapped.
I can’t get my racquet restrung because the man in Greaves said that my frame is cracked, although I think that the man in Greaves is wrong, but obviously despite being a man, I don’t work in Greaves so I will give him the benefit of the doubt. 
After extensive research of squash racquets online I have uncovered the three secret methods that all racquet companies use to try to sell you their racquets year after year.

1. Nomenclature

Give your racquet an exciting name that will inspire primal aggression; e.g. "Dunlop Ass Violator", "Prince Genocide Killer Pro", "Karakal Terrorism Torture GT", "Browning Murder Death Kill", "Wilson Speed Raper", and "Wilson Speed Raper X5".

2. Science

Claim to have synthesised a completely new kind of material that has ridiculous sounding futuristic properties; e.g. "With new Hyper NanoStrontiumX-3 Technology, our frames are, for the first time ever, able to counter the effects of gravity itself, giving you up to 10 times greater momentum." Following this, go on to explain how it will make all my shots 12% more accurate because let’s be honest, I’m at such a high level of squash that the only thing holding me back is my equipment.

3. Statistics

Measure the attributes of your racquet using brightly coloured bars that are all very nearly at 100%.

As you can see, the orange racquet has one more power than the yellow racquet but has one less control and one less touch/feel… That whole one control could destroy my entire game, but on the other hand I could hit the ball one unit harder… WWJD????? 

So with this new knowledge I am going to make an informed, intelligent decision about getting a new racquet. After almost four years of service it saddens me to say…

Good bye, Hot Melt Pro. I sucked. But you? You were excellent.

3 comments » | Sport

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