The second special episode of Burr’s Two Fingers to Clements Tour of Cafes takes us to a cafe right at the heart of the busiest part of the busiest road in the West End – Tinderbox, Byres Road, Glasgow.
Tinderbox is a well known cafe amongst West Enders. To most, it is famous for the Vespa they have on display by their window for no apparent reason; but for Glasgow medical students it is probably most famous for being used to represent a T helper cell in a metaphorical scenario used to explain the immune system.
Here was the first problem – there were no prices on display for any of the food items. To be brutally honest this is completely out of line. Perhaps they want you to be ‘surprised’ when they eventually tell you that the sandwich you just ordered will cost you somewhere in the region of thirty to forty thousand pounds.
I’ve also written down ‘crap service’ here in my notes but I can’t remember why. I don’t remember there being any ‘service’ at all, since it was one of those cash and carry affairs. I think it had something to do with the server trying to ring up Michael’s tap water order on the till. The tap water was free, just to be clear.
When we eventually went to sit down at the only free table in the place, we encountered a dilemma. The table was one of those stuck-to-the-wall American diner type efforts, and our dilemma was this: each side could fit precisely one and a half adult people.
Would we squeeze in two per side, doing no favours for our crotches; or would we pull over two chairs and stand up every time somebody wanted to walk past us? We opted for the latter.
The sandwiches were okay. When you take into account the four pounds it cost, perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that they were only just okay. And as far as I can tell, the coffee was good. Obviously, we would usually be looking to Michael for a proper opinion on the coffee, but after buying his only just okay sandwich, he couldn’t afford one.
In fact, as a result of going to Tinderbox, Ports has been forced to live on the streets; both Johnts and I have been forced to drop out of medical school to get jobs; and as for Burr, he no longer has the capital to buy Yahoo.
We left with a unanimous air of pissedoffness, which is well reflected on the burrometer.