Jus’ gi’s a f**kin’ coffee pal

Posted by Michael on April 20th, 2011 — 12:51pm

Auckland 20th April 2011

I have never wanted to sound like Alexander Chancellor but, at the risk of sounding curmudgeonly, I really, really hate coffee culture. I love coffee but I hate coffee people.

Maybe it’s because everybody is really buzzed about the series finale of FRIENDS airing next Wednesday night but Auckland is really obsessed with coffee. It’s a ‘coffee town’. Like Seattle. Which is good. I like Seattle. And I like coffee as much as the next guy. But when everybody is so fucking au fait with coffee types and I know jack shit I start to run into problems. Like today, my consultant asks me, ‘Do you want a coffee?’

‘Sure, just a regular black coffee.’

‘As in a short black?’

‘Sure, a short black coffee.’

‘So an espresso?’

‘No espresso, just a regular black coffee.’

‘But short? Okay…’


Granted I got an espresso twenty minutes later.

There’s something wrong with food or drink when its nomenclature becomes so goddamn byzantine that the words you are speaking are no longer intelligible. Breaking it down, I see where I went wrong. I should have said americano.

‘Regular americano. Black.’ Boom. Done.

But I didn’t. Karl Pilkington thinks there are too many words in the English language. I would be more likely to disagree with him if this was the only time this had happened to me. But it’s not, it’s like the third or maybe fourth time it’s happened to me. And one of those times I think I did ask for an americano. And one time I asked for a filter coffee. For none of these occasions have I gotten a regular black coffee in return. Come to think of it I’m pretty sure the right answer is ‘long black’. But then that just sounds like it’s going to be massive… I don’t want a gargantuan coffee. I just want a regular black coffee.

I guess I’ll try again tomorrow…

∼MJ out.

Category: Food, Travel 3 comments »

3 Responses to “Jus’ gi’s a f**kin’ coffee pal”

  1. Philip

    … is a long black. Which, I think, is basically a double shot americano.

  2. Michael

    Are there different sizes of long black?

  3. Philip

    Good places will ask you how much water you want in your coffee.

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