The following blog is written from the relative safety of a household in England.
4.56pm: Well, England performed and did the job. With Terry and Ashley Cole’s moral rectitude we were never going to lose. Rooney is still God. Franks is our rock. Next up…
4.50pm: England look to sky only to see God is an American. USA beat Algeria in the last minute and win the group!
4.48pm: FULL TIME! ENGLAND HAVE GONE THROUGH!
4.47pm: The Lithuanians are just eating up the cock.
4.46pm: Throw-in for England. Milner is just eating up the clock. Tense…
4.44pm: One minute left. I have faith.
4.42pm: England corner. Guff cross by Gerrard.
4.37pm: The pace of the game is really beginning to tell on the Croatian team. England have got to capitalise on this. Heskey is coming on… If you haven’t watched Come Dine With Me WAGs Special then watch it tonight. Heskey’s wife? Well fit mate. ‘Av it!
4.34pm: Fancy a brew?
4.31pm: John Terry has been immense today.
4.26pm: Ashley Cole is maybe the worst person in the world… Rooney is going off for Joey Cole. He looked like he took a slight knock. Good idea to rest him. Going to need him for the Brazil game down the line.
4.23pm: John Terry gets his crotch in for a vital block. John Terry’s crotch is legend.
4.20pm: Rule Britannia! Wicked ace tune…
4.17pm: Milner just got fouled about 45 yards out on the right hand side. Freekick from Stevie G, one of the Serbians deflects Rooney’s header out for a corner.
4.13pm: Rooooooney! Owww! Hits the left hand post. Was he offside? The linesman didn’t seem to put his flag up. But then again, he is probably South African. He was no doubt busy selling watches to the crowd.
4.12pm: John Teerrrry! Great save! JT nailed that header! Nailed it like he nailed Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend.
4.09pm: The lads are in perfect harmony. Milner, Defoe, Gerrard, Franky Lamps, Rooney, JT… I have a feeling England’s 24th man had something to do with this metamorphosis.
4.04pm: Freekick to Slovakia… Straight into the safe hands of James. He’s like a quarterback orchestrating his offence from the back of the field James is. Great hair too.
4.03pm: What a goawl!! Rooney! Wait… Offside? You’re a disgrace ref!
4.02pm: Glen Johnson just got violated like Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend on the edge of the box but was yellowed for diving?! You’re a disgrace ref. Come on England!
4.00pm: Defoe! Just misses from Rooney’s second delivery. What a poor punch from Handanovic. (Gotta be impressed I used his name.)
3.59pm: On second thoughts Clegg is probably supporting North Korea. He wants them to have a better nuclear arsenal, why not a better football team? Again, what a fag.
3.56pm: This performance has got to be something to do with Mr Cameron’s rousing call to the nation. I wonder who that douchebag Clegg is supporting? Probably Belgium. What a fag.
3.41pm: Travelled to the Trafford Centre this morning. Spotted: 83 St Georges crosses; 18 lions; 12 England shirts; 1 Scotland shirt.
3.39pm: ‘av it!
3.32pm: Need a snack…
3.26pm: Alistair Bowie’s description of that peach, ‘blinder!’
3.22pm: Defoe… Goooaaal! We’re on the ball! We’re on the ball! We’re on the ball!
3.20pm: JT. Banging Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend, now banging crosses out for corners.
3.16pm: Ooft! Rooney’s just wide with a shot from edge of the penalty area – in Manc speak it just ‘squoze’ past. I swear some moron from Salford said that in Hope hospital yesterday. I literally live in Karl Pilkington’s mind.
3.14pm: Time for another lager.
3.08pm: In-ger-lund! In-ger-lund! In-ger-lund! Na na, na na!
3.04pm: I wonder if Mark Lawrenson is bored yet…
2.56pm: One hundred and fifty Mancs belting out ‘God Save the Queen’ at the Metropolitan on Burton Road. Why aren’t these people at work? Ricky Gervais was right. Mancs take even more sick days than Scousers.