Had Last.fm existed back in the day the Pixies no doubt would have frequented my dashboard on a regular basis. The albums Doolittle and Surfer Rosa were daily staples throughout my early adolescence. This makes it all the more distressing to hear the news that Frank Black recently signed his name to PETA:
“What we and Frank Black want you to know is that every year hundreds of millions of chickens are tortured and killed for KFC’s restaurants around the world. These sensitive, intelligent birds are crammed by the tens of thousands into crowded waste-filled sheds where they’ll spend their entire miserable existence.”
First of all – KFC is delicious. That alone supersedes any moral obligation to respect animals. Do you know why that is? Because I’m human and they’re fucking animals. Animals. If I have reason to believe that something will be tasty I should be able to kill it, cook it and eat it.
Second of all – I’ve seen chickens. They are not intelligent. I’ve seen a chicken eat its own shit. I’ve met a lot of dumb people but I’ve never seen anyone mistake a dump for food. They can’t even talk for fuck sake. Shit, they have wings but can’t even fly. Do you know what other bird couldn’t fly? The dodo! It was so stupid in fact that we subsequently started using its name to describe stupid humans.
Oh yeah, guess who else loves animals – Phil Collins. Apparently he wrote to Selfridges telling them to stop selling foie gras, or ‘tins of cruelty’ as he so unaptly described them. I love to picture Phil Collins dictating his letter to Selfridges to give off about cruelty to ducks, presumably as he saunters about his mansion wearing socks painstakingly manufactured by some 8 year old in Bangladesh bent double over some rusty piece of machinery, just trying to raise enough money to buy a piece of wood he can hold onto when the chars flood and his family’s house is swept away again for the eighteenth year in a row. But sure, we’ve gotta to stick up for the ducks. Fuck little Mowgli.
Actually, come to think of it, haven’t ducks been trying kill us for the last three years?! We have to show them whose boss lest they try and offload that avian flu onto us again. Anyway, I’m off for a bargain bucket. See you soon.